sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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