i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
