Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
