I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
