Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
