guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She bit a glass in half.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
