I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Life is so much better after having sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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