i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
