Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
