A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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