wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
