So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
