I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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