good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
