I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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