I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
