I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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