I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
