Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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