tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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