remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
