Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
