The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
