I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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