he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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