Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
