The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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