Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
