I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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