there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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