neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
They are going to name an STD after you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
