Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
