just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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