then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
