She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
