Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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