I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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