I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
