He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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