then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
