I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
