I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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