Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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