Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
