Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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