How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
