you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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