i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
