I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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