I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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