A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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