I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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