Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
