did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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