I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
