oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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