before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
