Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
