why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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