sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
