I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
