____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
