So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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